Darkness.

So as I sat here listening to evenesence's everybody's fool, I thought to myself....this is me.... I fake to make people happy and still its never good enough. I wanna be who I am but I keep copping out for those close to me.

I have compromised my whole life. I was okay when a guy tried to take something vital from me. In fact I blamed myself. I was okay when someone close to me took pills to die and I drove her to the hospital. I was fine when she was admitted into the psych ward. I handled things til she got back. It cost me a relationship but I was okay with that because I had to be.

I have been okay with friends walking all over me since I was little. I have only had two or three constant friends since junior high. I have been okay when every guy I've ever cared about has decided he likes me better as his best friend rather than his girlfriend. I have hurt people close to me with the things I do.

I am a complete fake and there is nothing I can do about it. Then ppl tell me to calm down and that I have it easy, when everyday I resist the urge to jump off a building. I AM NOT SAYING I WOULD KILL MYSELF. Because I am stronger than that at least. I am saying I do have thoughts of what if I was gone. Would they care? I dont live for other people. I live because I want to. I will not let my loneliness defeat me. I am not weak enough to take the easy way out. Death is easy. Life is hard.

I feel alone all the time and no one is able to fix that for me. The only one that is remotely there is my savior and even then sometimes I push him away. I know he loves me always and no matter what but I find myself asking why am I so alone? Why couldn't make me in the way ppl want me to be? Why do I have to be different?

Like i said before I live for me and will never ever commit suicide, mainly because its the easy way out. I do things the hard way. Death is easy... life is hard.

Hypothetically....Love sucks!

So I've been reflecting on the ghosts of boyfriends past.....
Just a small phrase for you, EX BOYFRIENDS SUCK!!
Shall we stroll through the past?
C.R.~ A senior that took advantage of me....A HOLE!
A.M. ~Took advantage of my feeling bad over my break up with C.R.
L.G.~ Made me fall for him....head over heels...than CHEATED ON ME!! A HOLE!!!
C.C.~ Made me feel I could love again and than wouldn't change in the only way he needed too....

Love is a pathetic fairy tale that makes girls think that a prince charming is out there, WHEN HE IS NOT!
Chick flicks are another lie!! There is always the perfect guy and he confesses his love for you at the end...NEWSFLASH! never ever happens! Its incredibly horrible to keep girls hopes up that the perfect guy is coming for them when all there is are let downs and heart breaks!

Not to mention the sappy love songs that make you believe they will really change for you. They want you there with them and to hold you tight....BULL!!!!! Than they come crawling back with a sappy love song's lyrics and you look at them with those puppy dog eyes staring up at you....And you just wanna scream at them to go to hell and never come back here but the words come out all wrong. Then you get angry and it only makes it worse.

If you ask me, Love is for the birds... Who needs heart aches, let downs, and heart breaks!

WOW!!

man i suck at this! o well! the last couple months have been good!! The best part was I was just a back up dancer for the mo tab christmas concert!! It was so much fun and such an amazing experience. I got to talk to and meet Natalie Cole and David McCullough. They are super sweet people. Life has been super busy on dates and work....its weird... o well i gotta go..

Wow its been a while.

Wow!! Its been so long since I last really blogged.... SO much has happened. I'm half way through my summer and it feels like just yesterday i was graduating. I miss all my junior and sophomore friends so much...I realize how stupid this may sound but I feel as though I have matured a little. I ended some bad friendships, am becoming stronger in my faith and belief or our lord, Jesus Christ, and I am ready for bigger and better things. Every day I have on this earth with my family and friends is a blessing. I have never been so happy to be alive. I consider every moment with my parents and siblings a gift. Andrea and Jason are the best friends a girl can have. I know that if I ever wanna do something I know is fun but completely stupid, I know they'll be there for me. My older brother Matt, is literally the best friend I have. I can talk to him about serious things and silly things. Plus, like me, he has an awesome taste in music. Now, for Nic. I know we don't get along. AT ALL!! but when I take a moment to see him as a friend and not an enemy, I see that he is actually a pretty awesome kid. My parents are the best parents EVER!!!! They will do anything to make us happy, even if it means sacrificing what makes them happy. A girl can't ask for better parents. I love my family. They are my best friends....I think I would die if I couldn't see them anymore... Love You guys!!! (DOOR SLAM!)

senior pictures

Check out my senior pictures on my facebook!:D

Graduation

Graduation is coming up June 5th. My eighteenth birthday is June 3rd. The Senior Banquet is June 4th. SOOOOO needless to say there is a lot going on this month. After June 5th I am done with high school for good. CRAZZZYYYY!!! oh well I am excited to grow up and start my life. I will keep you guys updated in all that I do. I went to a mission farewell for my friend Luke sunday and get my senior pictures taken thursday.... well thats pretty much it for now. PEACE!!!

Institute

Last night was super senior night at the Ogden Institute. there were like 12 high schools in one building. It was so much fun. We had dinner, watched a variety show, and then had a dance. I met a lot of new people. One kid, His name was Matt, He was so funny. Him and his friends went to get slurpees so when i was dancing with him, I wasn't holding his hand, I was holding his slurpee. LOL! Then he couldn't figure out if it was fast or slow song. LOL! So in short, the dance was AWESOME!!! Then on the way home we saw the boys from our school driving in the car next to us. We started to race. We went through a yellow light and thought we had them beat, but then the driver of the other car decided to go through the red light. I have never laughed so hard. I had so much fun. I love my friends and the kids at bountiful. They are awesome!!!