Darkness.

So as I sat here listening to evenesence's everybody's fool, I thought to myself....this is me.... I fake to make people happy and still its never good enough. I wanna be who I am but I keep copping out for those close to me.

I have compromised my whole life. I was okay when a guy tried to take something vital from me. In fact I blamed myself. I was okay when someone close to me took pills to die and I drove her to the hospital. I was fine when she was admitted into the psych ward. I handled things til she got back. It cost me a relationship but I was okay with that because I had to be.

I have been okay with friends walking all over me since I was little. I have only had two or three constant friends since junior high. I have been okay when every guy I've ever cared about has decided he likes me better as his best friend rather than his girlfriend. I have hurt people close to me with the things I do.

I am a complete fake and there is nothing I can do about it. Then ppl tell me to calm down and that I have it easy, when everyday I resist the urge to jump off a building. I AM NOT SAYING I WOULD KILL MYSELF. Because I am stronger than that at least. I am saying I do have thoughts of what if I was gone. Would they care? I dont live for other people. I live because I want to. I will not let my loneliness defeat me. I am not weak enough to take the easy way out. Death is easy. Life is hard.

I feel alone all the time and no one is able to fix that for me. The only one that is remotely there is my savior and even then sometimes I push him away. I know he loves me always and no matter what but I find myself asking why am I so alone? Why couldn't make me in the way ppl want me to be? Why do I have to be different?

Like i said before I live for me and will never ever commit suicide, mainly because its the easy way out. I do things the hard way. Death is easy... life is hard.