Moving home and starting a new life

This month sadly I had to move home.. I need to save money and it is the perfect time to reinvent myself. My current boyfriend and I have split and its been really hard. I have been angry, sad, happy, aggrivated, and any other emotion you can think of. I spent every day wishing that I could just go back to him. That I could call him and he would tell me to run back into his arms where he can kiss me and tell me everything will be okay. But then I began to think of all the things that went wrong. 1. He never ever paid for a date. In fact I was always paying for everything! I once spent $60 at a bar! On HIM! I ordered a drink for myself and HE DRANK IT!! 2. He talked about his ex alll the time. I get it! She was a horrible person! She cheated on you, I get it! Move on! 3. He didnt have a car! I drove us everywhere! Oh btw he lived 45 minutes away from me! That is a lot of gas! 4.he flirted with girls right in front of me. At the NYE party we went to AS A COUPLE! he was flirting with another girl, disappeared upstairs with her, and then eventually got her number. 5. He gets drunk and high all the time. he spent more money on alcohol and weed than taking me on a date. all in all, its a good time to re-invent myself.

Staring at the pale white walls, tears beading down my cheeks like the rain on the windows, my heart crying out for you. Where have you gone? It weeps, missing you, and the things I loved about you dancing through my mind like a ballerina across the black and empty stage. My heart cracks. Where have you gone, it cries out again, getting no answer in return. My body racked with pain, lies there motionless, knowing that no matter how much I ache, you will never walk through those doors or hold me again. Call to him, my mind screams, he will come if he knows you are in pain. Another crack shakes my body. No! My heart answers, I shut this door, I walked away. I deserve this pain. I scream as the heart cracks again. The memories of our relationship wrap me in their warm, delicious arms, keeping me in a numb state, believing there is hope for another day with you. As the numb washes over my body, I surrender my heart to the ache. Letting it consume my heart completely. I asked for this. So once again I lay motionless, tears beading down my cheeks like rain, just staring at the pale white walls.

I wrote this right after a break up with a particularly extraordinary young man. I kinda hope he reads it....its a little embarrassing but you know, whatever. My inner most feeling revealed. Doesn't happen often.

:) yeah. Peace and Love always.
Rachael

Murray, Paul Mitchell, and no sleep...

So school started and it has been nothing but crazy. Fun, but crazy. I love the friends I am making. The people at the school are nothing but supportive and just wanna see you exceed. I love every moment.

Work is still crazy busy. Still getting up at like 5:30. That would be fine if school didn't keep me til 11:00. But even though I am exhausted every day, I love working in surgery. The people you meet are so cool and each story is so different. Most often the people with the most severe health conditions are just so happy to meet you, talk to you, and be around you. Even though things are so hard for them right now, they are just super happy to be here. Kinda makes you re-think about life when you're complaining about dumb crap.
"life is a journey, why waste it complaining? Just enjoy it." ~ a patient of mine.

moving to Murray was one of the best things I have ever done. I have changed in so many ways. I think moving out and going through school is really helping me discover who I am. I am discovering that I am a strong, beautiful woman who doesn't have to take crap from anyone.

There is no love life currently because between work and school, I literally have no time to sleep... So yeah boys take a back seat for a while.. Ah well. Life goes on.

Just find things that make you happy and do it because you want to.... Not for anyone else...
Love you guys!!!

Moving, school, and moving on....

So, I am moving to Murray. Murray, Utah that is. I thought my friends would be excited for me... But instead all they have done is act as though its not happening.... I don't want to leave this way but it looks like that is how its going to be. So I take a deep breath and get ready to plunge into a new chapter.

To those who have been telling me how happy they are for me,
I love you guys. I will miss spending time with you. We will still text and hang out I promise. It just won't be as often as we like...

I will miss seeing my sister everyday.. she has been so supportive and loving... even when I've royally pissed her off. I love her so much.
My bro in law has been so understanding. Taking me in when I had no where to go... I love you guys!

I start at paul mitchell cosmetology school this month and I cant tell you how excited I am.. I am literally like freaking out. I am sure my adventures there will be so much fun!

As much as moving on pains me...I have to... This is a new chapter in my life and its time I move on and become an adult.. I love you all!! Be in touch soon! Please just be happy for me... I am moving.. not dying!

Can anyone answer this question?

So today I sat in my sister's living room, sorting through my stuff,and watching how to lose a guy in ten days. I thought to myself, why can't love be like that? No matter what you do that person loves you til the end. Or when you get into a fight with your man and he comes running after you to tell you how much he cannot live without you?
I want to be standing on a bridge trying not to cry because he is telling me how much he loves me.I want the music in the background and wanting to run into his arms.
Sadly, that is not what love is.... now a days. Its not John Cusack standing in my front yard holding up a boom box, or Jake from sixteen candles waiting for you across the street, or Landon building you a telescope to see a comet you have been waiting for. Now its get the door yourself, do you mind splitting the check, or how about you drive? Is it too much to ask for some chivalry? The only man I know who ever did that was my bestie, who is now on a mission.
Can someone please transport these men into chick flick? Cuz the men of today definately need a dose of chick flick magic.
And I blame chick flicks for the lack of relationship security in the world today. Girls falsely believe that love is reallly like that. And it is SO NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!!
All I am asking is can we get a lil dash of chivalry added back into the world?
These are the questions that plague me.
Rachael

Darkness.

So as I sat here listening to evenesence's everybody's fool, I thought to myself....this is me.... I fake to make people happy and still its never good enough. I wanna be who I am but I keep copping out for those close to me.

I have compromised my whole life. I was okay when a guy tried to take something vital from me. In fact I blamed myself. I was okay when someone close to me took pills to die and I drove her to the hospital. I was fine when she was admitted into the psych ward. I handled things til she got back. It cost me a relationship but I was okay with that because I had to be.

I have been okay with friends walking all over me since I was little. I have only had two or three constant friends since junior high. I have been okay when every guy I've ever cared about has decided he likes me better as his best friend rather than his girlfriend. I have hurt people close to me with the things I do.

I am a complete fake and there is nothing I can do about it. Then ppl tell me to calm down and that I have it easy, when everyday I resist the urge to jump off a building. I AM NOT SAYING I WOULD KILL MYSELF. Because I am stronger than that at least. I am saying I do have thoughts of what if I was gone. Would they care? I dont live for other people. I live because I want to. I will not let my loneliness defeat me. I am not weak enough to take the easy way out. Death is easy. Life is hard.

I feel alone all the time and no one is able to fix that for me. The only one that is remotely there is my savior and even then sometimes I push him away. I know he loves me always and no matter what but I find myself asking why am I so alone? Why couldn't make me in the way ppl want me to be? Why do I have to be different?

Like i said before I live for me and will never ever commit suicide, mainly because its the easy way out. I do things the hard way. Death is easy... life is hard.

Hypothetically....Love sucks!

So I've been reflecting on the ghosts of boyfriends past.....
Just a small phrase for you, EX BOYFRIENDS SUCK!!
Shall we stroll through the past?
C.R.~ A senior that took advantage of me....A HOLE!
A.M. ~Took advantage of my feeling bad over my break up with C.R.
L.G.~ Made me fall for him....head over heels...than CHEATED ON ME!! A HOLE!!!
C.C.~ Made me feel I could love again and than wouldn't change in the only way he needed too....

Love is a pathetic fairy tale that makes girls think that a prince charming is out there, WHEN HE IS NOT!
Chick flicks are another lie!! There is always the perfect guy and he confesses his love for you at the end...NEWSFLASH! never ever happens! Its incredibly horrible to keep girls hopes up that the perfect guy is coming for them when all there is are let downs and heart breaks!

Not to mention the sappy love songs that make you believe they will really change for you. They want you there with them and to hold you tight....BULL!!!!! Than they come crawling back with a sappy love song's lyrics and you look at them with those puppy dog eyes staring up at you....And you just wanna scream at them to go to hell and never come back here but the words come out all wrong. Then you get angry and it only makes it worse.

If you ask me, Love is for the birds... Who needs heart aches, let downs, and heart breaks!